There was a day a long time ago that I decided my personal space is very small.
Maybe I’ve become temporarily colorblind because lately everything has lost its dye. Maybe I need to clean the ashes from my glasses. I wake up to cloudy days that never clear like a permanent fog. Sometimes, it feels oppressive. You could think of it as a gray dust stain on a white sofa that never comes out. Or maybe, it’s like if Rembrandt decided to only use charcoal.
And sometimes, I feel like I am going forward but walking backwards. Or I’ve put myself in a place where that’s the only way to move. So I keep tripping and bumping into walls I should’ve seen coming.
Ever hit your elbow or bumped your head and it hurt so much that you start tearing up though you’re not really crying? Well, I haven’t been crying. But sometimes the expressions I force make my face go numb. And then my chest wants to follow; my lungs forget to breathe and my heart forgets its purpose.
Maybe my heart is in hibernation, sleeping like a bleeding clenched fist. Maybe it is walking backwards too.
It could be that I am just really tired. My bones and my joints feel tired and I don’t like it when my body talks to me in these ways. So, I do yoga. It allows me to stay in tune with what my body needs and how it feels that particular day. There is a certain pose that I love getting into during a practice, because it opens up the whole body in a compromising way. This year, every time I position myself in this pose though, it hurts.
This year, I started this blog. It has been one of the few things so far that has given me a sense of being anything. It may not be real to anyone else, but it is to me. It is the only writing this year I’ve produced that has meant anything to me and has shown me what I like about myself and what I don’t. If I didn’t think babies are gross I would say that it is almost like my child.
But I could never stop drinking for nine months just to create something. I never would want to.
(I wrote this whole blog post while two lesbians talked about having sex the previous night. That pretty much sums up my whole year thus far.)
Ryan, the fact that I just discovered your blog pains me.
But the fact that I just discovered your blog also thrills me.
Thanks for writing this and for letting it resonate with me.
(And maybe the sex was good for the two lesbians. I’m rooting for them.)
Oh, this ole thing? Actually it has only been up for a month so you haven’t missed much. Thank you for reading and your generous words!
As far as the ladies, I think they’ll be just fine. Maybe they’ll move to New York.